It was December 21st 2011 and I had been on and off a diet for over a year. We had just got married, and were going through the process of buying a new home. I remember feeling physically and mentally drained, I was tired of my job and I just wanted to move into our new home.
My husband and I took a mini trip to Kent that Christmas, we wanted to look at new things for our home and we decided to take a detour to a small industrial estate which housed an American candy store.
I had been buying American groceries online for a couple of years, and whilst you can now get a lot of stuff in your local grocery store, at this time you couldn’t. So this trip felt really luxurious.
It was a Christmas gift from my husband, and you would not believe how freaking excited someone could get at the prospect of buying ALL the food.
Now bearing in mind I was supposed to be “on a diet” I’m pretty sure I did not buy one single “healthy” food. Of course they didn’t protein fibre or water 😉 but I didn’t even buy any processed health foods.
I just bought starch and fat, a lot of processed food.
This haul would have been okay if:
a] I was able to moderate myself, and
b] If I hadn’t found myself wasting a lot of it
You see it’s only recently that I’ve really practiced, learnt and understood how to moderate myself around food. Sure, there was a time early on where it felt like moderation, but it was really just me binging, but this Christmas I had a further breakthrough.
As I type this it’s December 23rd 2016 and in just five years I’ve learnt a lot about weight loss, nutrition, exercise and why I make certain food choices.
As this image popped up on my Facebook memories I thought “Holy sh*t, that’s a lot of food”
The girl who wanted to buy one of everything in the store still exists somewhere inside of me, and she might always be here.
I’ve now learnt how to manage these feelings, and I’ve finally figured out why a girl who never ever went without in her life, spent so many years eating food like it wouldn’t be available tomorrow.
Last weekend I saw some Pecan Turtles in the grocery store, and when I saw them I thought “Oooh I love these” and I put them in the trolley, when I got home and took them out of the bag, I thought “why did I buy these? I don’t need them…”
It’s true I didn’t need the candies, but I hadn’t seen them in this country before, and in the moment I made a decision. The box sat on the worktop near my coffee machine for a few days, and as I looked at them, and kept considering opening them, I had ANOTHER moderation mindset shift:
They don’t need to be eaten today, tomorrow, next week or even this month!
My mind was blown.
Despite all my breakthroughs I still felt like Christmas candies had to be eaten during Christmas and that we couldn’t just allow them to be in the house.
I realized that this was one of the reasons I had always gained so much weight at the end of the year, If we had cakes, cookies, chocolates or any other “holiday food” in the house it had to be eaten.
Why can’t I have Pecan Turtles in the cupboard in May?
Why can’t I still be sampling my peppermint bark in February?
I decided to record a short video talking about the discovery I made whilst talking with my mum about where my feeling of scarcity and deprivation came from as a kid.
It was really insightful and I am so glad that I figure this out now.
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