The story of an extreme dieter: Part Four

I don’t know what my goal was at this point, but I was tired of feeling tired. I was frustrated that I had gained weight that I promised myself I wouldn’t (re)gain.

In March of 2012 I invested in a Personal Trainer, whilst he wasn’t the best coach (cancelling sessions all the time) I achieved a lot. Of course this was partly down to his guidance, but I was putting in the effort even when he wasn’t showing up, I had finally let go of every excuse for not working out. I decided my bigger reason for doing this was that I wanted to be mum, and be a healthy mum. As soon as I started training, I cleaned up my diet the best way I knew how. I started eating ‘health foods’, like yoghurt, lots of fruit and my breakfast was homemade muesli. When my trainer asked for a 7 day food diary, he was stunned by the level of detail, and that I did in fact eat, and I eat regularly. He gave me feedback on my diet, I listened and cleaned it up again, more protein, less sugar. I did not indulge, I refused to break away from my diet, I was determined to get the results and was happy to sacrifice certain foods for these results.

I started weighing myself on a Thursday morning, that was one of the days my trainer came so it just made sense. I saw consistent results until May, and then I had my first plateau. I was just a few pounds away from a specific weight and desperately wanted to see that number, so I started running again. I ran a mile each evening on my treadmill to boost my calorie burn – because that was I thought would get me the results I craved. My weight didn’t budge. I cried, I was frustrated, why was this so hard?!

My trainer tried to explain why this was happening, but I kind of ignored him, not because I thought he was wrong, but because I just didn’t get it.

Stress isn’t just about mental energy, exercise can stress your body too. When you try to manipulate your weight with exercise, that is stressful and your body won’t respond – this leads to more stress…

I pushed through, and kept running, I started to love running again and gradually saw my weight go down, my body shape changed too – from all the squats and kettle bell work. It was an amazing feeling and I fell in love with training. This was the point at which I decided I wanted to help other women and I started creating my career.

Throughout 2012 I hit many milestones, I also started to really dive into understanding different diets, exercises and my body. It was at this time I read the ME Diet Book, and started thinking about fat loss instead of weight loss. I had found my passion in the most unusual place and I couldn’t let it go, I was 100% dedicated to this lifestyle. It was that December when my husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant.

This scared me so much, because I was going to have to gain weight, and that would be a little out of my control. I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I just ignored the feeling because I didn’t know how long it could take. I went into this phase thinking ‘ah it will happen when it happens’, except once I was trying for a baby, I became obsessed. It was the only thing that was important, I still trained and ate right, I even gave up caffeine so that it wouldn’t be as hard when I got pregnant, but I couldn’t focus on anything else.

Pregnancy didn’t go as I had hoped, due to a miscarriage I was constantly worrying about my body and the baby. I was constantly waiting for something bad to happen, this was stressful and exhausting and I gained a lot of weight during the first trimester. I weighed myself at about the halfway mark and I was one hundred and seventy five pounds. Of course this added more stress, because I didn’t want to go near two hundred pounds. I didn’t weigh myself again, I was made to step on a scale the day I had Greyson. I am fairly certain I was above two hundred pounds. 

So a premature baby, nothing going to plan (as much of a plan as I had) and sleep deprivation meant I pretty much ate crap, and just didn’t see it happening. Initially I lost a lot of weight as my body returned to normal, but slowly I started to lose myself. I was trying to achieve way too much, I was stressed and anxious, I was crying a lot – I was very close to suffering with postnatal depression. The only reason I was able to drag myself out of this, was when a midwife started asking me questions, and I realised why she was asking them. She was concerned. In that moment I lied to her, because I realised what was happening, and instead I finally communicated with my husband and mum and told them I needed to figure this out.

Greyson is now two, and being a parent and facing challenges never ends, I see that already. There are easier days and there are really (really) hard days. Last year I returned to work and that was a whole new adjustment, which I struggled with and ended up burning myself out. It took a really long while for me to figure out how I could make adjustments which would reduce the amount of stress and pressure I put on myself. That’s right guys almost all of the stress and pressure I feel is what I put on myself, I manufacture it and that’s where I decided to put my focus.

The honest truth is that body change will always be a part of my life, because I know I can get results, and I can get results for other women too. What I have discovered more recently is that it isn’t just about numbers, it isn’t just about what I weigh, but about how I feel. It is about my energy levels, how satisfied I feel and how positive I can be about my body, mind and life.

Right now, it’s a game changer.

 

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