the hardest choices are the ones which have an impact

If I make a decision, I stick with it, I see it through to the end and I don’t believe in regretting the decision I make because each one leads me to where I should be at that point in my life.

So why is it that I find myself repeating the same choice over and over, getting the same upsetting results, only to be angry that once again I allowed myself to be in that place?

This year I made a different decision.

The choice I had to make…

I chose to spend mothers day with just my mum and Greyson.

It could have caused some upset/anger and the likelihood was that someone would get pissed off. This was not my intention, but I wanted to make the decision that would allow me to enjoy the day, rather than protecting others and meeting someone else’s needs.

I wanted to own my choice, I just didn’t know it would be so tough.

A little something about me, I don’t walk on egg shells for anyone. I come from a family of straight talkers, if I am hurt or angry it is written all over my face. That’s how we roll.

Yet sometimes I find myself going against my grain, I know it’s not who I am, but it frequently happens with the same people. I find myself putting others first so that I do not risk causing conflict, and whilst it is a nice gesture, it results in my upset and I feel vulnerable. I end up pissed off, and angry that once again I allowed this to happen, I made the choice to not say how I feel.

So I made this choice, and it allowed me to make a stand, I didn’t want to feel vulnerable, and instead I started to feel guilty. The guilt started, and I kept wondering why do I feel like this, why do I now not like the decision I made. I usually think things through before taking action, and I had thought about this, but I knew my choice would cause some kind of distance or confusion.

Why is she being difficult? Why is she making it harder for me? Why do I now have to make the choice?

In 2015 I learnt something fairly important about myself…I don’t like feeling out of control. I did not know I felt this way until Greyson was born, and I returned to work, control was taken away from me, I was no longer with him 24/7 and other people cared for him. After some work with a therapist, it became clear that my fear of control came from when my dad was sick. When my dad was sick, I had no control, what I was told by my parents, and what was really happening were two different things. So when I felt out of control with Greyson, I found myself feeling anxious (a new feeling for me) I didn’t know how to cope and I would get angry, confused and upset.

Was it tough sticking to my choice? Yes, it was tougher than I had imagined, but I realised that I assume it is obvious to others that I am making a point. I am subtly informing them that this shit won’t be tolerated, but because of who they are, they are completely oblivious to my intentions. Even if I was to tell them straight (I have tried numerous times in the past), how I feel, that they are wrong, and they should be sorry for what was said or how they acted – they won’t hear it. 

They don’t notice that my choice has an impact, because they don’t feel impacted, unfortunately it is only people I love the most that are impacted and that kind of sucks. It is frustrating that I don’t see a clear way of changing these behaviours, right now it is easier for me to almost hide from it, which I know is not going to work in the long-term.

I stand by my choice, but I cannot hide from it.

I cannot hide from the fact that I may have hurt someone I love whilst trying to protect myself, and I find this frustrating. Perhaps it is part of my character, but it also pulls me in different directions. Do I continue with this strategy? Do I go back to how things were before today?

The aftermath…

It seems obvious to me that my intentions were flawed because as I mentioned already my choice has had zero impact on anyone but myself. Did I enjoy mothers day? Yes more than I could have, but I still felt a little empty, a little sad that I created this situation and it couldn’t just be ‘easy’. Instead it felt disjointed and a little awkward, like something wasn’t quite right.

What I have realised is that this scenario was never going to achieve the result I wanted, what I want is for it to be a little ‘easier’, I don’t want to make this choice in the first place. Perhaps I can now evaluate my choice and figure out what I will do next time, but I sure as hell will not be choosing vulnerability and anger over happiness and love.

One thought on “the hardest choices are the ones which have an impact

  1. Sue says:

    Making a stand for what you believe or want is always right but tough. We can only ever be responsible for our own actions and thoughts. Those you love will be impacted by your “hurt” because they love you too. However, we all carry distorted beliefs about the responsibility we have for others. When others are involved in any decision they each make a choice and have to take responsibility for their part of the equation. I guess it’s about each and everyone thinking about “who” and “what” is important in their life. Easy said as this often requires challenging deep rooted anxieties. Being in control is not bad as long as you are aware of your motivations which could simply be “no more shit” who wants to stink of shit??? Though many want to sling it-the adult thing is to simply say NO ❤️

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