If I make a decision, I stick with it, I see it through to the end and I don’t believe in regretting the decision I make because each one leads me to where I should be at that point in my life.
So why is it that I find myself repeating the same choice over and over, getting the same upsetting results, only to be angry that once again I allowed myself to be in that place?
This year I made a different decision.
The choice I had to make…
I chose to spend mothers day with just my mum and Greyson.
It could have caused some upset/anger and the likelihood was that someone would get pissed off. This was not my intention, but I wanted to make the decision that would allow me to enjoy the day, rather than protecting others and meeting someone else’s needs.
I wanted to own my choice, I just didn’t know it would be so tough.
A little something about me, I don’t walk on egg shells for anyone. I come from a family of straight talkers, if I am hurt or angry it is written all over my face. That’s how we roll.
Yet sometimes I find myself going against my grain, I know it’s not who I am, but it frequently happens with the same people. I find myself putting others first so that I do not risk causing conflict, and whilst it is a nice gesture, it results in my upset and I feel vulnerable. I end up pissed off, and angry that once again I allowed this to happen, I made the choice to not say how I feel.
So I made this choice, and it allowed me to make a stand, I didn’t want to feel vulnerable, and instead I started to feel guilty. The guilt started, and I kept wondering why do I feel like this, why do I now not like the decision I made. I usually think things through before taking action, and I had thought about this, but I knew my choice would cause some kind of distance or confusion.
Why is she being difficult? Why is she making it harder for me? Why do I now have to make the choice?
In 2015 I learnt something fairly important about myself…I don’t like feeling out of control. I did not know I felt this way until Greyson was born, and I returned to work, control was taken away from me, I was no longer with him 24/7 and other people cared for him. After some work with a therapist, it became clear that my fear of control came from when my dad was sick. When my dad was sick, I had no control, what I was told by my parents, and what was really happening were two different things. So when I felt out of control with Greyson, I found myself feeling anxious (a new feeling for me) I didn’t know how to cope and I would get angry, confused and upset.
Was it tough sticking to my choice? Yes, it was tougher than I had imagined, but I realised that I assume it is obvious to others that I am making a point. I am subtly informing them that this shit won’t be tolerated, but because of who they are, they are completely oblivious to my intentions. Even if I was to tell them straight (I have tried numerous times in the past), how I feel, that they are wrong, and they should be sorry for what was said or how they acted – they won’t hear it.
They don’t notice that my choice has an impact, because they don’t feel impacted, unfortunately it is only people I love the most that are impacted and that kind of sucks. It is frustrating that I don’t see a clear way of changing these behaviours, right now it is easier for me to almost hide from it, which I know is not going to work in the long-term.
I stand by my choice, but I cannot hide from it.
I cannot hide from the fact that I may have hurt someone I love whilst trying to protect myself, and I find this frustrating. Perhaps it is part of my character, but it also pulls me in different directions. Do I continue with this strategy? Do I go back to how things were before today?
It seems obvious to me that my intentions were flawed because as I mentioned already my choice has had zero impact on anyone but myself. Did I enjoy mothers day? Yes more than I could have, but I still felt a little empty, a little sad that I created this situation and it couldn’t just be ‘easy’. Instead it felt disjointed and a little awkward, like something wasn’t quite right.
What I have realised is that this scenario was never going to achieve the result I wanted, what I want is for it to be a little ‘easier’, I don’t want to make this choice in the first place. Perhaps I can now evaluate my choice and figure out what I will do next time, but I sure as hell will not be choosing vulnerability and anger over happiness and love.