It was last weekend whilst Matt and I were away, we were talking about his upcoming birthday, and where he would like to go for dinner. He suggested a restaurant which tried out at the end of last year. At the time I was trying to lose weight still, and by trying to lose weight, I mean allowing it to be my main focus and allowing it to become very stressful. This restaurant is known for its big unhealthy portions of food, and whilst everyone else tucked into various mixed grills, I ate fajitas, and was miserable.
Of course it was totally my own choice to feel like that, I could have eaten anything, but I chose something fairly blah and allowed myself to feel shit about my choice.
So I responded to Matt and said “I don’t mind going there, it will be a lot less stressful than last time, because I am not trying to lose weight…”
“You aren’t trying to lose weight…?”
I’ll start by saying he doesn’t read all my blogs or posts, so although it may seem odd that he was unaware of my mindset shift, it’s just that he probably can’t keep up with everything I write.
Here’s the truth, if I lose some fat, build muscle, get smaller, feel healthier – then I am achieving my physique goals. What I am not doing is allowing a scale to control my choices, or affect my mood. If I was to step on the scale tomorrow, regardless of what I see, I doubt I would be happy, the scale and I do not have a great relationship.
Of course you can say, the scale isn’t the only way to measure progress, whilst this is true, it is the only way to measure weight.
Back in 2012, I used to weigh myself every Thursday. It was the day I started training with my Trainer, so it seemed like the best day, plus it was just before the weekend so I could always make up for any binges before the next Thursday. My goal? To be slim, to be as small as I could possibly be, to finally be able to wear shorts, leather jackets, skinny jeans…the list goes on. I was happy with the scale most of the time, because I saw great results – I won’t lie, it was great – but I also had zero responsibilities, a personal trainer and a lot of time. If I wanted to spend my evening running, or doing HIIT cardio, I could because there was no one else to look after. Despite what I thought my relationship with exercise, food and my body was very unhealthy – I put it under a lot of scrutiny.
It was never good enough, and so in turn, I was never good enough.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, making good is no longer about being skinny, or running a 5K in under 30 minutes, I want to have a work/life/ME balance and I want to exercise because I love it and eat the same way all the time – regardless of what day or month it is.
I haven’t given up on myself, in fact everything I do is because I care about myself even more now.