I love you. I’ve always loved you and for a very long time I felt like you were both my comfort AND the source of all my pain. I remember being as a kid I’d always overfill my ‘penny sweets’ bag, I’ve since found out that I wasn’t alone, but this doesn’t make it feel any less shameful. When I got away with it, I continued…this is stealing right?
I remember crying over on my first day at school, fear of getting in trouble for not adhering to the “rules”. As I got older I learnt that many people don’t follow the “rules” and are allowed to do so without any consequence – another letter for another time.
As I got older you seemed to be the number one problem in my life, causing me to be AND look different from my peers, except I couldn’t get enough of you.
I hid you.
I hid your shiny wrappers.
I hid any evidence that I was eating you.
Now as a mother I realise how confusing this must have been for my parents.
It became clear tome that for me to be accepted by my peers, I was going to have to give you up.
In 2003 we broke up for the first time, at least without the use of meal replacements.
I went cold turkey.
It wasn’t so bad, but it was short-lived. The next 10 years were filled with diets, hyper focused on ‘what I ate’ and how much of you I ate. Calories. Calories. Calories. F**k.
Someone once told me something about you food, I don’t think you liked her very much because she KNEW allllllllll about you. She knew how you ‘worked’ she knew your games…
“You just need to eat the ‘good stuff’ first and your body won’t want the ‘bad stuff'”
Hahahaha. I thought she was crazy, despite the agony YOU caused me I trusted you.
I’ve since realised she wasn’t crazy, shame it took me another decade.
You see food, when I think about how much I’ve loved you, I realise that my love was very bias. I didn’t love all of you, I loved what I thought were the best bits, the processed, sugary, fatty, delicious parts of you.
It was lust, and I loved what I thought you were – I didn’t ever see you for what you really are.
I loved the ‘toxic stuff’.
Loved, past tense.
I’m no longer in lust with you food, I now find your toxicity frustrating. I’m angry that someone created you, and that they thought it was a good idea. I’m angry at how cheap you are, cheaper than the fuel I now love.
I’m angry that you are the source of so many peoples problems.
I’m saddened that you are now “normal” and that people who choose to avoid your toxicity are labelled as “weird” or “health freaks”.
I continue to find satisfaction in you and it can still be a struggle, an internal debate with myself. I don’t like this feeling.
It will get easier to make the best choice, more often.
Now, as a fitness professional, who is also “plus size” [I still hate this label] it can often feel like my meals are judged.
What I realise is that I’m the only judge, I’m the person passing judgement on my choices. I truly love my “diet” – lets just call it that for ease. However I’m very aware that it is a fine line between “one” and “one more…”.
Food, we fight a lot. You piss me off, but I know this is all on me.
I take 100% responsibility.
I’m rising above you and giving myself more of the power.
I used to be so reactive towards you, and now my reaction is a product of my lifestyle, not you!
You are still important to me, but you are not the source of my problems and I’m no longer only focused on you [despite you being my job].
I love you food, but I love ALL of you now. I love the “better” parts of you more than the “toxic” parts. I love how you make me feel…most of the time [eff you dairy!].
I want more women to feel this way.
I’m aware of you food, I know your game – I’m letting you go.
I now allow you to be exactly what you are food, fuel for my body in various forms. I cannot change our past, but our future will be healthier.
We will never break up again – instead I will spend more time focused on the shit which matters in my life. I’ll dial in on the source of my problems and stop blaming you.
You know you have zero power right?!
Food, you’re not my problem. Stress, fear and grief are my “problems”.
So, from now on I will focus my mind on what I need to do TODAY to ensure my healthy is a priority.
I’ll let go of the past, it cannot be changed and will not dictate my future.
I no longer feel the need to lose weight, my happiness is not defined by the size of my body. Plus, I sure as heck am not stepping on a scale…
I do want to gain strength, get fitter, I want everything to feel a little more effortless, and automated.
I worked very hard for you food, now it’s my turn.
Your old friend,
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