As I sit here on this sunny Sunday afternoon and start to write this post I don’t know if I will share it across social media, I feel like I need to write this to myself. Of course part of being a blogger is being vulnerable, being open and sharing this stuff with your readers…
Most of you know I have a son, he means the absolute world to me. The last couple of years have been filled with all kinds of emotion, and I have learnt a lot about myself in the process. How is it possible that this little person can change my life in so many ways and teach a grown ass woman more about herself than she thought possible? I also learnt what many of us know, that we don’t appreciate the little moments, we look back and think ‘if only I’d taken more notice…’.
This morning as Greyson and I played in his bedroom, I looked over at his smiling face and thought how much I would love to be able to just spend a day with him, playing, messing about and laughing. I thought about the times when I was on maternity leave and how often I would take him upstairs to play, just for a change of scenery. I often felt bored whilst on maternity leave, it was a combination of not joining ‘mummy groups’ and being exhausted 24/7. Now, well now I don’t have the time to feel bored…
You might be wondering why I am even writing this post, and the honest answer is I need to get the emotion I have been feeling out. I need to see the words, I need to type and try and understand how I feel. I need to write this so that when I feel like I am failing I can come back to this post and remind myself of why I work so hard.
I want to start by telling you that I love you more than any words can describe. You are loved, adored and cherished – by everyone who knows you, and I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be your mummy.
Since the moment you were making your way into this world, you have taught me more than I ever could have dreamt of. You taught me that I have a higher pain threshold than I thought, and that even during the darkest and hardest times of my life – there is always hope and a reason for everything.
You don’t know this yet, but I am an online business owner, and I absolutely love what I do. If there is just ONE thing I can teach you over the next few years, it’s that your happiness should come first. I want you to understand that personal happiness is more important than what other people think of you or what you think you ‘should’ be doing. I teach women that they can re-write their stories, the stories they have created from other peoples beliefs and my wish is that you NEVER ever have to go through this. I intend on teaching you to create your story the way you want it the first time around. Whilst I cannot protect you from the world, I can teach you how to face it. I can teach you how to be strong and powerful without the need for aggression, I can teach you how to BELIEVE in yourself when everyone else is doubting your greatness.
I want you know that just like Meemaw has for me, I will always have your back. No matter what you do, I will always be here, I will always love you and that will never change.
Love you peanut,
As I wrote this letter to Greyson, I realised that this wasn’t just a letter to him. This was a letter to my future self, it was a letter reminding me that whilst I may feel like an absolute failure sometimes, I am not. Whilst I sometimes feel like I don’t spend enough time with my son, and wonder what on earth possessed me to start an online business, it will be okay. He will be okay, and I will be okay.
I want to remind myself that what I do now, and the life I am trying to create for my family will be invaluable in the future. I have big plans, and I don’t want to slow down – I’ve been slow, I’ve told myself I am not good enough…now it’s my time to realise my greatest potential.
So, perhaps this blog post doesn’t appear to have a huge amount to do with fat loss, health and fitness, but it kinda does. Right now the biggest thing holding me back is myself, the biggest excuse I tell myself is that it’s really hard to juggle/balance it all. Isn’t that the point? I started this because I wanted to live a full life, I wanted to create a bright amazing future for my family.
The feelings I have about my busy schedule and being a mother, are likely the same thoughts and feelings you have about your health.
You are questioning your ability, and whether you’re doing ‘enough’ or are you making it worse? Some days are hard, and others are amazing, today you feel like you made a breakthrough and yet tomorrow you feel like you are back at the beginning. You feel challenged, confused and waaaaay out of your comfort zone, you wonder what other people think and try your hardest to tell yourself that you shouldn’t care. You try harder, you read books, you look for an answer in every possible place. You wonder if everyone else finds this just as hard.
Yes. We all find this stuff hard, we all struggle but our struggles may vary. I can tell you ONE thing that I have learnt over the years from both dieting and being a mother – a lot of what you hear is bullshit. Things will happen in their own time, and everyday that you are out of your comfort zone is another opportunity to learn.
Make of this post what you will, but I ask you to consider it with an open heart and mind. I struggle just like you, I am not immune to tough times. I still hold myself back, but I know that the life ahead of us is what Greyson, Matt and I deserve.
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